The Postmodern Chronicles Of Hayley

Just some mindless jabber between a friend and I. I thought it was worth documenting. It’s interesting to look at how an everyday conversation is structured between two people (the italic quotes are my friend’s).

Say something.

I’m sleepy… and comfortable.

Awww!

… And you smell nice!

You said I smelt bad, like, before.

Nah, I said you tasted like –

Nah-nah-nah-nah. You said ‘You have a smell. It’s not a nice one.’

Oh no, that’s not what I said. I said, ‘You have a smell. But it’s a nice one.’

Oh, right. I thought you said it’s not nice.

No. So rest assured I have nothing against your smell.

Excellent.

Are you still recording this shit?

Yeah.

Man… I hate being held up against evidence. Because then I can say whatever the fuck I want and I still can’t be judged by it. But with you recording everything, you’ll hear every mistake I make.

I’ll be able to learn your accent, too.

Ah, I hate people learning my accent!

Why? It’s cool!

Because I don’t like my accent.

Then change it.

I can’t.

That’s what I did.

Yeah but you’re like, native. I am stuck with this accent. But yeah, I’m happy enough with it.

It’s cute! I love your accent.

I wish I was able to change it to another one.

If you could change your accent, what would you change it to?

A Scottish accent!

Nah, it wouldn’t suit you.

You can’t be so sure. I’ve got a beard and everything. Because all Scottish people have beards, do you know?

Yeah, even women.

Yeah! Of course. They’re like dwarves… but big. Seriously, can you imagine a dwarf not speaking like a Scottish person?

Yes, I can.

Well then you’re weird.

Haven’t you ever seen Snow White?

No, they are knomes. Oh wait. No, they’re dwarves.

It’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Not Snow White and the Seven Knomes. Then they’d be inanimate garden objects.

Nah, you can have lively knomes! Certainly… In fact, how can you be so sure that garden knomes aren’t alive?

Because –

(cuts in) Uh huh! Got you!

You didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself.

That’s what my argument is based on – not giving the other person a chance to fight back. That’s how I win!

ED: I think my friend was actually referring to Irish leprechauns when he was talking about Scottish dwarves/knomes.