1998 - The Year I’ll Always Be Haunted By
Posted the 16th 2009f January, 2009 by Hayley Brown in The Postmodern Chronicles Of HayleyI’ve just been looking over my old medical reports from the Serfontein Clinic (specialist in Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder - ADHD). They are almost 12 years old, but the connected emotional pain seems like it was only yesterday.
I remember at 7 years of age, I weighed 19kg (41lbs).
I remember the violent fights I used to have with my mother, just to get me to go to sleep at night.
I remember how the medication I had to take didn’t make me feel hungry, so I used to vomit when I had to take vitamins with it, because I was so weak.
I remember bawling my eyes out every time I had to go to school, because I knew that it meant another day of exclusion, torment and anxiety from my peers.
I remember being told by a girl in my class, “Hayley, I don’t hate you. But if I tell anyone that, they’ll think I’m nuts!”
I remember being screamed at by my teacher at ‘compulsory’ swimming school to put on sunscreen, only to be covered in a horrendous rash 10 minutes later. That rash lasted a good 6 months and I still have scars on my skin from it.
I remember taking my doll Raggedy Ann to school each day, because I felt that she was the only one who wouldn’t judge me.
I remember when I got glasses and my own cousin called me ‘Four Eyes’.
The 6th 2009f April, 2009 at 7:51 pm
It probably will not mean anything but I think you’re a champ and I wish kids weren’t so easily discriminatory for no reason.
The 10th 2009f May, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Hi…
God Bless You. I’m so sorry you went through all that.
Talking about going through school and experiencing exclusion, torment, and anxiety - that really struck a chord with me. This is a terrible, terrible thing that kids go through, and its long-term effects are more detrimental than most people realize. I can relate, I experienced it, too. Later in life, I went through a *lot* of therapy, and I learned that those three things you mentioned all go together all too well.
I wanted to pass along a couple of thoughts - and they might apply to your situation - or possibly to someone reading who hits this on a google search. I learned through therapy that if you get teased and possibly even hit a lot as a youngster as I did, your brain begins, at a very early age, to get conditioned to continuously scan your environment for incoming threats because so often, there is one. It’s a matter of self preservation. It’s nothing bad or wrong, it’s what our human brains are programmed to do.
Unfortunately, when we enter adult life, and that kind of schoolyard/bullying threat has gone away, our brains continue to scan and operate at a higher level of awareness because that’s what they’re conditioned to do. And, it can make us more anxious and keyed-up than other people. We may possibly over-analyze things and over-think things, and our minds may generally race all the time, leading to more mental fatigue and stress than others around us might be experiencing.
I just wanted to share that because the first step towards managing anxiety is understanding where it comes from.
Just some random thoughts which may or may not apply in your case, but what you have gone through is a very, very, very important issue, and since I have experienced it as well, I take every opportunity to let people know about the potential effects.
Good luck and God bless you and I wish you the very best! Thank you for being so open and honest in your blog! Your writing may very well help others who have gone through the same thing feel not-so-alone!
-Dan in Houston